Endings

When death comes you think it will be a thunderclap

That it will devastate you

Leaving nothing behind

When death comes you think it will be a thunderclap

That it will be explosive

Overwhelming you

When death comes you think it will be a thunderclap

That it will strike you down

Bringing you to your knees in one hit

When death comes you think it will be a thunderclap

The sound of it decimating you

Flattening you to nothing

But when it finally arrives

It will have been on the road to you for some time

Painstakingly but surely making its way

When death comes you think it will be a thunderclap

But when it gets to you

There is no sound

There is nothing

Catharsis

I knew the moment we met

That I should walk away

But I didn’t

I let you in

Gave you a little bit of me

You didn’t notice

The little bit I put out for you

I guess it wasn’t shiny enough

To get your attention

Your door was always closed

I thought then

Because you were closed-off

Played your cards close to your chest

How can I have been so wrong?

I was so wrong

About you

I was so wrong

I didn’t see it

Then

I thought

Hoped

Wanted

So much for your door to be closed

For other reasons

I didn’t see it

I believed

You were

Who I thought you

Wanted so much for you to

Be

But

I see now

It was closed

It is closed

Because there was nothing behind it

There is nothing behind it

For me

I wasn’t shiny enough

I am not shiny enough

I will never be shiny enough

For you

Again and again

I let you in

They say

Insanity is doing the same thing

Over and over

And expecting a different result

I am insane

I expected a different result

I hoped for a different result

Again and again

Until

Until

A moment in time

Such a teeny tiny moment

A mere blip

That moment

When someone stabs you

Through the heart

Sometimes you don’t feel it right away

Sometimes you laugh

Make a joke

Act the smartass

And then

A bit later

Perhaps even just as you stop laughing

You realise

You get it

You fucking GET IT

That is when it stabs you

That is when you feel it

That is when suddenly

You see it

You see him

You SEE him

I see you

And that is when you bleed

As it leaks out of you

Warm and wet

It is full of things you want to disown

Things you wish weren’t inside

Things you wish you could take back 

Things I wish I could take back 

I wish

I cared about you

I fucking CARED about you

I loved you

No

I loved what I thought was you

The idea I painted in my mind

Inside myself

Of the man I thought

I hoped so much

You were

Not

And you

So carelessly

So nonchalantly

Tore me open

Right open

You don't even seen the wound

You don’t even see the wound

You don’t see

Anything

All the little bits  

Small pieces I never ever shared with you

How do you know?

How do you fucking KNOW?

How to hurt me so much

To scar in a way not many can

To cut me in a way I had forgotten

I could be

Cut into

Take all those slivers

Of everything I fear

Of everything I hate

Of everything  

Take them

Put them down

In front of you

Look at them

Probably not

Set them alight

Walk away

Don’t look back

You made a cut in me

You can't take back

You pierced the softest part of me

The part I can’t cover with my armour

The part I thought was

Covered

That I thought you couldn't see

Didn't know about

The part that hurts the most

And then I bleed

Then I feel it

And then

I have been here before

If I don’t tear you out  

Of me

If I don’t take back

The little bit

Of me

That I gave to you

That you don’t want

That you don’t even fucking KNOW

I gave you

I will be here again

Eventually I will be here

Again

But maybe

Maybe

If I'm strong enough

If I'm cold enough

I won’t

Maybe 

I won’t

Then And A Lot Of Now

Guitars around camp fires
Green mountains
Heat
Dirt and dust
Rivers and sometimes the ocean
Rice fields
Jungle
Lush, lush jungle
The sun
Sunrise
Sunset
Always the sun
The sky red
Or blue
Or in between

Landscape passing by
Looking out
From the bus
From the train
From the back of a truck
Just sitting
Somewhere
Watching the world fly by
Wind blowing my hair
Or not

The world flew past
And I watched it
Felt it
Was part of it

Was that me?
I don't remember her
But she remembers me
I do remember her
I remember

Now life passes
While I watch
I can't stop it
Can't slow it down
It's passing
Where is it going?
Am I going?

Panic
My chest filled with ice
It's hard inside my ribs
I can't breathe
The rest of me is crying
I'm crying

Memories
Moments
Feelings
Freedom

Freedom?

Nothing is real
Really matters
And I'm full
Of nothing at all
Full of empty
Or too much of everything

I can't empty it out
I'm drowning in it

Dreams Can Hurt Too

I haven’t thought about you
For the longest time

It used to be an
All-the-time thing
Now it's a
Not-really-at-all thing

Then I dreamt
About you

I dreamt
I went to your work
I don’t even know where that is
But in my dream
I do

So
I go in
On the pretence of having business
On the pretence of not seeing you

I pretend not to see you
Of course
I pretend

You look different
I think
But it's you
I like how you look
Now
As if I would ever
Not like you
I would always
Like you
I would

You pretend not to see me

So many glances
Out of the corners of eyes

Then I leave
I no longer have a reason to stay
To be
In the same place as you

Outside
I wait around
Outside the entrance
By the lift
Pretending the lift hasn’t come
I haven’t pushed the button
Not yet
Just in case
But
I pretend

And then you come out
I'm so hopeful
No I'm not
I pretend I'm not

You pretend you have reason to be there
Outside
Where I am

You pretend to suddenly notice me
And then
There are smiles
Creased faces
And teeth
Smiling faces
Smiling eyes
Eyes smiling
At each other
Not pretending
No more pretending
No more
Pretending

And I think
Really?

We go back inside
Sit down
Together
In the same place
You
And I
In the same place
And
I don’t want to feel
Excited
Hopeful
But slowly it creeps
Creeps inside

There is so much
There is
So much

Smiling

Then you reach for me

You
Reach
For me

Your hand closes around my wrist
And I remember your hands
My wrist so small

Your hand closes around my wrist
Tight

And you pull me towards you

I sit up in my bed
Awake

The Sad Hand

I really thought it was you
Stood by the bus stop
My bus stop
This morning

I didn't once consider that it would be bloody strange
For you to be there
At my bus stop

The heart doesn't work like that
The brain
Ruled by the heart
Doesn't think like that
And most certainly
Does not let the eyes see like that

So
I thought it was you
And my heart was in my throat
In my eyes
And then I didn't want to see
Couldn't see
Just in case

Panic
What will I do?
What will I say?
Will I smile?
Make conversation?

No
I look away and walk past you
Head turned
Looking for the bus
Where is the bus?
So you only get the back of my head

And inside I hurt
Because you don't recognise me
The back of my head
Because you don't say hi
And I wish so much that you would
And I'm back at square one

That feeling
That wishing
That hoping
That you would call
Message
Want to see me
Show you like me
Give a fuck whether I exist or not

The bus comes
Finally
Enough standing around

I walk to the door
I turn
I have to be sure

It's not you
Of course it isn't
As if it ever was
The levels of stupid I feel right now
Overwhelming
Kind of like what people washed away by a tsunami must feel
Just before they drown

I sit down on the bus
Look out the window
At the person that isn't you
And the sad hand wraps itself firmly around my heart
Again

Just when I think I've beaten it
Have perhaps run it out of me
Maybe I'm stronger than the sad hand now?

It comes back
And all it takes
Is a person who isn't even you

Stupid Fucking Girl

Stupid fucking girl, she’s always trying to open the same door. I can see her from here, standing outside the house. She looks around to see if anyone is watching, but she can't see me, can't feel my eyes burning a hole in her head from where I stand, staring, hidden by the trees.

Of course she reaches for the handle and tries to turn the knob. Of course it wont turn. It’s the wrong fucking house and the wrong fucking door. Even if it were the right house, and even if the key had fit, had turned the lock – click – it would still be the wrong door. It’s always the wrong door. 

But watch her persist, time and time again, constantly trying to open it. Stupid fucking girl. She never learns. She’ll never learn. She’ll keep coming back to the house, putting in the keys and grabbing at the doorknob. And she’ll always end up standing there, left to stare at the door that is wrong.

She’ll never see me, watching everything, knowing the door is wrong. Never feel my stare, never sense my loathing. She’ll die out there, outside that door, hoping and trying. And I’ll see it all. Stupid fucking girl.

...

Spewing

It’s not your first time

And it’s not your last

It isn’t food poisoning

It isn’t coincidence

Half an hour after dinner

Halfway down the row of doors

This time

Every time

It’s so important

Perhaps it’s your silence that gives you away

Your silence in between the moments I am not supposed to share

The moments I am not supposed to know about

The moments I don’t know how to handle because they’re like a punch in the throat

The moments that feel like claws on my bones

I’m gasping

No

I’m holding my breath

I know you’re waiting for me to leave

You know I’m in here

Halfway down the row from you

But you don’t know I’m listening

You don’t know

That I know

The air conditioning hums

I sit here and listen to the thing that isn’t happening

I bet you’re wondering what I’m doing

Why I haven't left yet

I know you heard me come in

Maybe you’re getting angry and frustrated

Waiting and hoping that I will leave

But I can’t now

Your need is getting stronger

I know what you’re dying to do

The walls close in on me

Get thicker and heavier

I wonder if they’re closing in on you

I wonder if you’re listening to me

Like I’m listening to you

I’ve been here so long now

Neither of us can pretend any longer

You can’t hold out

And I need to hear it

Need to hear you shove your fingers down your throat again

Need to hear you bring it up and get it out

You’re disgusted

By your need to do it

I’m disgusted

By my need to hear you

...